Yiddish Folktales Read online

  15

  The Pain in the Neck: A Nonsense Tale

  Once upon a time there was a very rich poor man. He had no children except for nine daughters. His oldest son took it into his head to go to the fair. So he saddled a match, rode up the chimney, and was driven, riding, to the water. Two sieves, one with a bottom, the other without, were floating in the water. He sat down between them and floated. Suddenly he heard someone shout that the synagogue was on fire, so he ran to rescue the bathhouse, but just then remembered that he hadn’t yet eaten. So he went to buy something to eat. Someone said, “You’re going to eat? Today is such an important fast day. The Russians are beating each other.” He went on and was told, “You’re going to eat today? On such a holiday? Your wife has given birth to a boy.” He remembered that he didn’t have any diapers, so he rode to the forest for twigs, but his hands got stuck; so he ran to fetch an ax. As he went, he saw a fly at the tip of the church steeple, and she didn’t look well. So he went to the doctor for medicine. Then he ran into the city to get a pain in the neck, because he was a pain in the neck.

  16

  The Six-Pointed Homentash: A Purim Tale

  One day an imp of Ashmodai who lived in a village ran into a dense forest where the trees were a mile apart from each other. He went up to the first tree, where he saw a parrot. He went up to the second tree, where he saw a flea as big as a walnut. Well, if you have a nut, you crack it; and when you crack a nut, thirteen yards of cloth come out. If you have cloth, you become a merchant; and if you are a merchant, you travel to markets. When he got to the market, he saw a peasant woman and bought a turkey from her. He brought the goose home and roasted the chick. He asked his wife to make him an omelet with six eggs, so she made him a six-pointed homentash, and she was frightened and died. So he had to sit down to mourn her for seven days. So he sat down at seven and a half kopecks per month and did not have enough, so he added a bit. And if you have a bit, you take it to the synagogue.

  Arriving at the synagogue, he saw three men quarreling. He asked, “Why are you quarreling? Why don’t you cast lots?”* So they cast lots, which showed the Saturday before Passover as auspicious. On the Saturday before Passover, it’s a good deed, a mitsve, to put your foot in the oven. If you put your foot in the oven, you get dried out. If you get dried out, you pull on a sock. If you pull on a sock, you have to bite. And so he took bites out of the living and the dead. His dead wife said, “Why are you taking bites out of everyone? Why don’t you take a bite out of yourself?” So he began to take bites out of all the food. Food spills, and if it spills, you get the itch. And if you get the itch, you go to the doctor, who says, “Why should I guess? Let the rabbi guess. Let the rabbi hit on it.” So the rabbi struck the windowpane. And if you strike a windowpane, things get mushy. And if they get mushy, you get butter. And if you have butter, you spread it, and if you spread it, you drive off, and so he drove right into a huge mudhole, and if we ever get out of it, we’ll go on with this tale.

  * According to one theory, the Jewish holiday of Purim (which literally means “lots”) is related to the Babylonian New Year, on which day it was believed that one’s fate for the coming year—i.e., one’s lot—was sealed. This nonsense tale was told on Purim, hence the reference to “casting lots.”

  17

  A Tale of Two Brothers

  Once upon a time in a small town there lived a father and mother who had two sons. One of them was clever and the other was foolish. When they were children, the foolish son used to sit by the fireplace gnawing away at the carob bread he had in a sack beside him while his clever brother was off studying in kheyder, in school. And this is why the father and mother loved the clever brother. He was their pride and joy.

  When the two brothers were no longer small, the foolish one still sat beside the fireplace eating his carob bread as if there were nothing better to do. However, his clever brother, looking about him, now understood what a poor man his father was. He mulled the matter over for a while, then said one day to his parents, “Look, I’m almost grown up. What will become of us in our poverty? If you’ll let me, I’d like to go out into the wide world and seek my fortune. I’ll work hard and bring home a lot of money, so we can rebuild the house and live like proper people.”

  What he said pleased his parents and they kissed him and hugged him and loaded him down for his journey with the best they had: a great sack of butter, biscuits, apples, pears, and other good things. Then they gave him what money they could spare and sent him on his way.

  The boy, feeling cheerful and lively, left the town and was soon in the country. As he walked along, a dog came running toward him. The poor thing was filthy, matted, and hungry, and it said, “Dear boy, I beg you to wash me and comb me and give me something to eat. I’ll show you my gratitude one day.”

  But the boy was, after all, a clever fellow and not about to be fooled, so he said, “Beat it, you dog. My father wouldn’t do such a thing and neither would my mother. And I’m not about to, either.” And the dog ran away.

  The boy went on a bit farther until he came to a well. A green mold floated on the water’s surface, and there was mud everywhere. The silver cup hanging beside it was tarnished. The boy was thirsty and would have drunk, but he was repelled by the filthy well. Then the well spoke to him: “Dear boy, I beg you to clean me up. Scour my silver cup and clear away the mud. I’ll show you my gratitude one day.”

  The boy said angrily, “My father wouldn’t do such a thing and neither would my mother. And I’m not about to, either.” With that he went on his way.

  A little farther on, he came to a pear tree whose branches were dry and whose leaves were withered and the earth all around it was hard and parched. The tree said, “Dear boy, I beg you, trim my branches, turn over the earth around my roots, and give me some water. I’ll show you my gratitude one day.”

  The boy said, “My father wouldn’t do such a thing and neither would my mother. And I’m not about to, either.” And he went on his way.

  He went on and on until he came to a city. There he went into an inn and said to the innkeeper, “I want to work for you. I’m not asking for money, I’ll leave that to your sense of justice.”

  “Good,” said the innkeeper. “Work for me for a year. I’ll give you food and drink, and if you prove to be a good worker, I’ll reward you.”

  The boy worked for a year and the innkeeper was pleased with him. When the boy asked for his wages, the innkeeper said, “I won’t give you money, but if you’ll go into my stable you’ll find horses and wagons, large chests and small chests. Old horses and young ones; new wagons and old. Take whatever your heart desires and go home to your parents in good health.”

  The boy bade the innkeeper farewell and went into the stable. Looking around, he was overjoyed at what he saw. Since he was a clever fellow, he rolled up his sleeves and went to work gathering the best of everything: the finest horse, which he fitted with the best saddle, and the newest wagon, which he loaded with the finest and largest chests. Then he cracked his whip and off he went.

  He was no sooner out of the city than he saw a large pear tree with fine, shapely branches loaded with golden pears. The sun lit up the tree; it was a lovely sight. The boy got off his wagon and ran to it. He pulled down a branch to pluck a pear, but the branch tore itself out of his hand. “Go away, you horrid boy,” said the tree. “When I asked you to loosen the soil around my roots, you refused. And now you want to pick my pears! Off with you!”

  Embarrassed, the boy went on his way. A little further he saw a bright, clean well with gleaming clear water and a silver cup that glowed. What a delight! Being thirsty, the boy thought, “I’ll have a drink,” and took down the cup. He bent to scoop up some water, but the cup tore itself out of his hand. “Go away, you horrid boy,” said the well. “When I begged you to clean me and scour my silver cup, you replied, ‘I’m not about to.’ And now you want to drink my water! Off with you!”

  Ashamed again, the boy got back in
his wagon and went on his way, on and on. When he was near his home town, he saw a dog running toward him. A lovely, clean dog, a delight to the eye. On its neck it wore a blue ribbon hung with pearls and diamonds. The boy stopped his wagon and called, “Here, dog. Here, dog.” And the animal leaped into the wagon. But when the boy tried to take the ribbon off the dog’s neck, the dog said, “Bow, wow! So, you want my diamonds and pearls? But you wouldn’t wash or comb me, or give me anything to eat. Ugh! You’ll get nothing from me. And if you make a move toward me, I’ll tear you to bits.” The dog jumped out of the wagon and ran away.

  Furious, the boy cracked his whip and drove off toward home.

  When he got there, it was midnight and everyone was asleep. The shutters of his house were closed, the gate and the doors were locked. All was silent and dark. But the boy began to pound on the door and at the windows, crying, “Father, Mother. Get up. Your son is back, bringing all sorts of good things! Spread out your tablecloths, and I’ll unpack my chests for you.”

  His parents got up, and oh, what gladness there was; what joy! Their son had returned loaded with all sorts of good things.

  “Friends, neighbors,” they called, “gather round. See what our son has brought.”

  They lit up the house. They spread tablecloths. Good friends gathered, and everyone waited to see what the clever son had brought back with him.

  The fool, poor boy, came from his place beside the fire and watched the parade of good things. But when daylight came, everyone saw that the fine young horse was now an old mare; the splendid new wagon had turned into a rickety open-sided cart, and the new chests were shabby old boxes. The clever son couldn’t understand what had happened. Finally he said, “Never mind, open the chests. They’re filled with gold and silver.”

  His parents opened the chests and began to pour out the contents: And what was it they poured? Rats and mice and mud and dung. The house was a mess. The mother wept; the father scolded the clever boy and beat him. Friends and neighbors laughed and went away.

  The clever son just stood there, dismayed. Then the foolish son gave himself a shake and said, “Don’t beat him, don’t scold him. It’s not his fault. Let me go out into the wide world to seek my fortune.”

  His father laughed. “Just see how well our clever son has fared, and now our fool wants to try his luck.”

  But the fool insisted on going. “Well,” said his mother, “let him try.” They gave him a sack full of dry biscuits, a flask of water, and a few kopecks and off he went.

  As he was going along, he met a dog, bedraggled and hungry. The dog licked his hand and said, “Dear boy, I beg you, comb my hair. Give me something to eat and let me have a little water. I’ll show you my gratitude one day.”

  The fool untied his sack, fed the dog some of his biscuits, and let him drink from the flask. Then, having washed the dog and combed out its tangled hair, the fool went on his way.

  As he walked, he came to a well. He saw that the surface of the water was green with mold. There was mud everywhere, and the silver cup hanging beside the well was tarnished. The well said, “Dear boy, I beg you. Clean me up, please, and scour my tarnished cup. I’ll show you my gratitude one day.”

  The fool rolled up his sleeves and went right to work. He cleaned up the well, scoured the silver cup, and cleared the mud away. Then he resumed his journey.

  As he went along he saw a tree with withered branches. Its leaves were dried out, and the soil at its roots was parched and hard. The tree said, “Dear boy, I beg you, cut back my branches. Dig up the soil at my roots and give me some water. I’ll show my gratitude one day.”

  Again the boy rolled up his sleeves. He cut back the branches properly, loosened the soil at the roots, and gave the tree some water. Then he went on his way.

  He walked on and on until he arrived at a city—the same one his brother had come to. He took service for a year with the same innkeeper, and when his year was up, he asked for his wages.

  The innkeeper said, “I won’t give you money. But if you’ll go into my stable you’ll find horses and wagons, large chests and small. Old horses and young; new wagons and old. Take whatever your heart desires and go back to your home in good health.”

  The fool bade farewell to the innkeeper and went into the stable. Seeing all that was there, he grew confused. “He was a good master,” the fool thought. “He trusts me, so I won’t betray him. I’ll take the old horse, the old wagon, and a couple of small chests. That’ll be enough.” Well, since he was a fool, after all, the result was that he picked out the very worst things in the stable and drove off with them.

  As he was riding along, he saw a pear tree laden with golden pears. Feeling the urge to eat one, he approached the tree and said, “Pear tree, pear tree, may I pluck a pear from your branches?”

  The pear tree, hearing him, rustled its leaves. “Dear boy,” it said, “pluck as many pears as you like. It was you yourself who cut back my branches and cleaned me up.”

  The fool plucked a pear, for which he thanked the pear tree, and drove on.

  In a while he saw a well. Since he was thirsty, he approached the well and said, “Dear well, may I drink some of your water?” The moment the well heard him, its waters sparkled and its silver cup leaped into his hand. “Drink, dear boy,” said the well, “drink to your heart’s content. You yourself cleaned me up. Take the silver cup as a memento.”

  The fool took the silver cup and thanked the well. Then he drove on with the sun shining brightly. His horse moved at a lively pace and his wagon gleamed.

  As he went, he saw a dog running toward him. A lovely dog, so well groomed that it was a delight to the eye. Around its neck it wore a blue ribbon hung with pearls and diamonds. The dog, seeing him, jumped into the wagon and said, “Bow, wow, wow. Dear boy, take the pearls and diamonds from my neck. They’re a gift for you, because you washed and combed me. And you fed me and gave me water to drink.” The boy took the pearls and diamonds and thanked the dog. Then he drove on.

  And thus, loaded with good things, he arrived at his home. It was already midnight and everyone was asleep, so he sat down on the porch and waited for the sun to rise.

  In the morning he knocked at the door and cried, “Father, Mother. Open up. Your foolish son has returned. Spread out your tablecloths and bed linen, and I’ll empty my chests into them.”

  His parents got up and let him in. His mother said, “You want me to spread tablecloths out? Sackcloth will be good enough for you.” But when the chests were opened and his parents began to pour out the contents, the whole house glowed from the gold and silver, diamonds and pearls and assorted treasures that tumbled out. His mother hugged him and kissed him, and his father cried, “Now which of my sons is the fool and which is the clever one?” With that he began to beat the clever son, but the fool restored peace and the family was happy at last.

  They lead a happy life,

  Drink honey by the cup.

  We lick ours from a knife,

  And lick each droplet up.

  18

  Stones and Bones Rattle in My Belly

  Once upon a time there was a rabbi and his wife, and they had many children. One day the rabbi went to the synagogue and his wife went to do some work in the mill. A bear came along and broke down the door of their house and ate all the children up. When the rabbi came home from the synagogue and his wife came home from the mill, they looked everywhere but couldn’t find the children.

  “Children,” they called, “children, children, where are you?”

  And the children called back, “Here we are, inside the bear. He came to the house and broke the door. Then he ate us up.”

  So the parents called, “Bear, bear, come let us pick your lice.”

  “No,” said the bear. “I won’t.”

  “Come,” said the parents, “and we’ll give you a bowl of cereal with butter.”

  But again the bear said, “I won’t.”

  “Come,” said the parents, “and we�
��ll give you groats with butter.”

  But again the bear said, “I won’t.”

  “Come,” said the parents, “and we’ll give you some sweets.”

  But still the bear said, “I won’t.”

  “Come,” said the parents, “and we’ll give you some meat.”

  “For meat,” said the bear, “I’ll come.” And he came. The parents gave him as much meat as he could eat and he ate and ate until he fell asleep. Then they took a huge knife and cut his belly open and took all their children out.

  The rabbi and his wife washed and scrubbed each of the children. Then they put one of them on top of the table, one under the table, one in the bed, one under the bed, one on the clay oven, and one beside the clay oven. They fed them all boiled groats with milk.

  Then the rabbi and his wife put stones and bones inside the bear’s belly and sewed him up. When they were done, they woke the bear, who grabbed at his belly, but there were no children there. Then off he went singing,

  “Tra, la, tra, la, tri, li.

  Oh, I’ve got bones

  And big heavy stones

  Rattling in my bell-eeeeee.”

  19

  Sóre-Kháne at the Lip of the Church Lower

  Once upon a time there was a father and mother who went off to the market, leaving their daughter Sóre-Kháne alone in the house.